V. Interview with… Mbuto M. Tembo, Scholar & Artist
Mbuto M. Tembo, Self Portrait of a Secret Garden Reclaimed, 2018, Oil on canvas
Born in Lesotho and having lived in South Africa, Zimbabwe, and currently residing in Montreal, Canada, artist and scholar Mbuto M. Tembo's intuitive scope and acuity with forming fascinating conceptual connections seems directly related to her multiform personal experiences. The rich intercontinental backdrop of her personal journey is manifest in not only the nuance of her interpretations of globality and its relationship with human experiences with trauma, loss, and love, but also in how these play out in the intimacy of the quotidian. For Tembo, the quotidian is a crucial, honest, and telling space of interactions and ideas, ideals and identities, obstacles and opportunities.
One might argue that we are currently drowning in content. Perhaps in a manifestation of one of the darkest ironies of our present, much of that content claims to be concerned with 'self-care', broadly, badly, or beautifully defined. As a result many may be distrustful of the ideas and praxes loosely or rigorously described under self-care's multitudinous rubrics, altogether disoriented by them, or desperate to try and successfully apply them to their own life. In many ways, Tembo's art-whether rendered in charcoal, marker, pastel, pen, or paint-draws the viewer's eye toward the intimacies of the every day. In so doing, she invites the viewer to reevaluate and reconsider not only what makes so-called valid and invalid subjects in and for art-making, but the value of aestheticizing one's self as an artistic subject in an honest, often harrowing, but always healing way. This is what makes Tembo a master of the deceptively simple. A champion of the healing potential of honest, ostensibly simple, conceptually complex artistic praxis.
Having attained her first BA in Biology and Psychology, her second in Studio Arts and Art History, and currently pursuing a Masters of Marriage and Family Therapy, specializing in Couples Therapy, Tembo's exploration of these themes is active and ongoing. In conversation with The Empty Set below, which has been lightly edited and condensed, Tembo discusses the significance of these themes, specifically in relation to amorousness, as well as how these have shaped and continue to shape her thinking, feeling, and making. - Kwasu Tembo
Despite the inundation of discourse, memes, I.G pages, and the rhetoric of health and self care, I think many would say they’re unsure what it means to be in a healthy relationship, let alone a romantic one. What is essential to a healthy romantic relationship for you?
Mbuto M. Tembo, Afterglow, 2018, Oil on linen canvas
Four things come to heart (mind): Communication, Safety, Generosity and Joy. For me these four things feel crucial for a healthy romantic relationship, actually any healthy relationship, period.
When we communicate we learn about each other, deepen our understanding and feel seen and known, leading to safety, which I think is key for peace. When it comes to generosity, I mean giving each other reciprocal benefit of the doubt, so to speak. Allowing room for learning and growing, and also being mutually generous with affection and attention, appreciation and acceptance.
True love is generous, and in a safe, sacred space co-created together, that sounds like magic. Perhaps communication, safety and generosity could be the foundation for joy, where joy, happily and in its authentic glory springs forth from (woah, my soul just got a boner). Imagine joy being cultivated from that trifecta foundation? It's funny how joy and health don’t readily seem to vibe together in predominant cultural consciousness, why is that? Can we not find joy in health, in things that are good for us? What a strange world we find ourselves in. I definitely believe in cultivating these markers of a healthy love bond with oneself first, (not here trying to tell people how to live their lives though), when one is in a place where they feel secure in their own healthy relationship with themselves, it sets them up for cultivating healthier relationships with others, romantic or otherwise. In those sacred personal bonds with ourselves we learn about who we are, what our needs are, what our boundaries are, and most importantly, we learn about our worth, and when one moves from that place of self acceptance the people that gather around you also accept and appreciate you for who you are, since you are comfortable with who you are.
I find it interesting too how communication, safety and generosity require participation and presence in order to occur. Maybe the fundamental things of healthy relationships are presence and participation. As Vince Noir once said to Howard Moon in episode 8 of the Mighty Boosh season one, “get involved.” And I’d further expand that with, “get curious.” That’s where generosity also comes in, being generous and choosing curiosity instead of criticism, judgment and shaming. All these things - communication, safety, generosity and joy - foster and cultivate and nurture what has been shown to be probably the most key ingredient to successful healthy romantic relationships: being fascinated and in awe of one another.
I think most people would think of themselves as non-toxic, or as 'honest' and therefore 'brave' and 'up-front' in acknowledging their unaltered toxicity. Equally, a lot of people have been gaslit into thinking they are a part of healthy relationships. What three things do you think people mistake as markers of a healthy romantic relationship?
Great question, and great way of using gaslighting as a tool in toxic positivity. Three things mistaken for markers of a healthy relationship: Chaos, Possessiveness and Enmeshment. Chaos is definitely a problematic element to have in a relationship, and when I say chaos I mean what results from poor communication resulting in lack of stability between the folks involved in the relationship. What’s worse is the romanticising and glorification of said chaos we see and are bombarded with in media and the arts. Yes it is exciting to watch and witness, yet to market it as a marker of a successful relationship is fucked. Glorifying trauma bonds by glorifying chaos and enmeshment, another dangerous one, sets us all up for failure in romantic relationships. And the idea of another person completing you, thus enmeshment, is also leading us all down a path towards… trauma I guess. Another word for it is codependency.
What do you think makes healthy romantic relationships seemingly so hard, lofty, or unattainable for so many?
The big one: vulnerability. Society does not foster the normalising of vulnerability, nor does it encourage cultivating vulnerability. Another one is accountability. I think when you are accountable you are more conscious of your behaviour - you are more present. I think that is a huge problem with our society, not enough presence, which is another thing that makes healthy romantic relationships hard. In a world that normalises escapism and distraction, healthy romantic relationships can feel like a tall order when a fundamental key to their success is presence.
From Portrait of a Lady on Fire, to Ammonite, to Marriage Story, depictions of intimate relationships, their highs and lows and intimacies are as popular as ever. Which films do you think do a good job of representing healthy romantic relationships and why?
Truth be told this question bums me out a bit. I couldn’t, and still can’t, think of a clear example of healthy romantic relationships being depicted in film, where the healthy romantic relationship was the primary focus of the movie. Two things are probably responsible for my dumbfoundedness. Most romantic depictions on screen that I’ve seen leave us viewers often frustrated with the romantic leads for not communicating their thoughts and feelings to each other. “It would be so simple,” we all think as we annoyingly shake our fists at the screen. Yet were we taught HOW to communicate our feelings? Hmmm, well… It feels like the lack of representation of healthy romantic relationships not only enforces our poor etiquette/behaviour in romantic relationships but also feeds into the problem being where we gather our knowledge about how to be in romantic relationships.
Which films do you think do a bad job of depicting healthy relationships on screen? What's the danger here, if you see one?
Any film that romanticises toxic relationship characteristics and markets it as fiiiinnnnnee, like Overboard, with Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell, the most feel good rom-com movie on gaslighting. Any movie that excuses bad behaviour, like lying and deceiving your partner in order to get them to fall in love with you. Any movie that romanticises abuse… With this question unfortunately there are a plethora of options, which really highlights how warped our perception of health in romance looks like. I’d invite whomever is reading this to think of movies of a romantic nature that they love and think about the behaviours of the characters critically, ask oneself if those behaviours were expressed in real life, would they be cool with them? More often than not, our answers are “nope!” So why do we love these movies then?
How do the issues and debates of healthy romantic relationships influence your own artistic and academic endeavours?
It has come to my conscious awareness that learning, knowledge, is the key way of creating a love bond, taking the time to learn is the key way of creating a love bond. So being someone who loves to learn and loves academia I use my academic explorations and curiosities to learn about myself in the context of romantic relationships, what a healthy relationship would look like, and what that would feel like for me. I use academia (and therapy!) to deepen knowledge of what healthy relationships are like, and also to deepen self-knowledge and self-expression. My artistic endeavours help me articulate, and reinforce, what I learn. And so far the big takeaway that I’ve stumbled upon is the importance of creating a love bond with myself first, so learning what I need and like, what makes me feel safe and seen and valued, what makes me feel celebrated, and practicing that loving curiosity, that loving desire to learn, on myself first.
Mbuto M. Tembo, Untitled, 2018, Oil on canvas
Could you discuss how you engage with these subjects through some of your artwork?
About four years ago my therapist at the time, Marc, referred to me as a secret garden, in terms of how I am and how I conduct myself in intimate romantic relationships. And I feel a lot of us womxn do this; we become safe havens for cis-men to be vulnerable, to rejuvenate, to grow, to heal. And then some (most) leave without reciprocating. Marc gently offered me an alternative: to be my own secret garden. Self Portrait of a Secret Garden Reclaimed honours & celebrates that journey back to myself. It honours the hard Work I’ve been putting in over the years to rejuvenate, to grow, to heal. My adventure continues, and never has it felt more important, more pressing. I want to continue loving authentically, and not feel depleted. And a huge part in abating the depletion is including myself amongst all the people I love and celebrate. Reclaiming some space in my big heart for myself expands my heart & fuels it to continue loving more, and more authentically. And loving & celebrating people where they are at in their journeys. I am grateful for the space I’ve worked hard to create for myself in my heart, and this painting honours that.
Untitled celebrates the Truth that Love is Work. Love is Team Work. Love is Hard Work. Love is the most important Work. Inspired by the great Dutch master painter of the 17th century, Johannes Vermeer, and his dedication to celebrating the banality of life through his masterfully rendered paintings of interior spaces of middle class life, I wished to celebrate the banality of Love. I chose an image that felt personally representative of this theme. This piece can also be read in a romantic sense. Society and the prevailing culture’s explanation/idea/doctrine of Romantic Love and Romance really lets us down and doesn’t prepare us for the, what feels like at first, harsh reality of the day to day of Love. I wish to help expand the current dominant narrow view of Romantic Love that only celebrates the beginnings, the sparks flying, the butterflies, the “will they/won’t they” stage, the dramatic highs and lows. Here I’m celebrating the realness, the banality of Love in all its glory.
If you could advise your younger self concerning healthy romantic relationships, what three things would you tell her?
As a big fan of time travel depicted in the arts I don’t know if I’d want to make contact with my younger self as to rupture what she needs to go through in order for me to exist… That being said maybe I would tell her, “I love you, you matter, you are beautiful and deeply worthy, and your season is coming my beautiful seed (my name Mbuto means seed).”
